There once was this girl...

Introduction:

I have worried about what my dad thought of me since day one. This established an overall concern with how people, in general, view me and accept me, or not. I over-analyzed and hyper-examined everything he did/or didn’t do which again bled into all people, but specifically men. It has been exhausting. But after some self-reflecting, enlightenment and good ol' soul searching, I decided I am over it. No one is guaranteed a spot in your life. Relationships must be maintained, by both parties. I should not expect someone to stay in my life without any effort from myself just as someone should not expect to stay in my life without showing any efforts. #matchmyefforts

Realization:

I have recently realized that I feared losing these particular men in my life (and maybe a couple other supporting actors here and there throughout my life). The fact is, I gave them permission to choose to be in my life or not because regardless of their actions, I would always be there out of obligation...and fear. So essentially they show no effort but still get the relationship 100% because of me and my efforts.

As of the past couple of months, when I have been the most disappointed with my dad and grandpa's behavior, and started to let them off the hook because they are who they are and I felt I had an obligation to them, I have arrived at the notion that I do not owe them anything. I do not have to do 100% of the work in any relationship. If someone wants to be in my life, they need to work for it just as hard as I do. Family does not get a free pass to be in my life with no effort given.

Outcome:

Interestingly enough, once I realized this and stopped worrying about them, I have been happier. I have been more myself over the past few months than I have in over 30 years! I dance, I sing, I have lost the habit to be constantly concerned with how others see me- especially strangers. Why have I cared so much about my “image” and other people thoughts all of this time? This is my life. I need to live it for me. At the end of the day, I am the one that needs to be okay with me, not everyone else.

I’m 40, oh lordy, that's hard to admit. Ugh... I have spent 40 years of my life worrying about other people, trying to make others happy and trying to make them stay in my life. I’m over it. I owe no one my time, or my love. #itsanewday #lessonlearned