Hi. My name is Melissa and I'm losing My Mind.

WOW! That is all I can say. I mean….I guess I knew the day would come, but I never thought it would be today.

To catch you up to speed, quickly. Mental Break May happened (last blog), then I found hope in an unlikely place…therapy. I say unlikely because it wasn’t a theory or treatment option that hit me. It was the hope of a way out! A way out of this rat race I’m in. A way to control my influx more so that what I do directly affects my skril. This was so exciting, and it could start to take place as long as I kept my chin up and was patient. Those who know me know this isn’t my style- but I was really trying.

The unforeseen happened and I received an awFul grade in my current class. I can't have gone this whole way to crash right before the finish line! I NEED to pass this class and the next one too. When did I become an “F” student?! Then it dawned on me…I have no fucking time to do anything and that’s not just physical, it's also mental. When I get home from work I’m EXHAUSTED! I can't even MAKE myself sit in front of my computer and type out 8-10 pages on…whatever the assignment topic is.

Im feeling all over the place. I'm mentally spinning out of control. The funny part is, I don’t even realize it. I was playing the role of a good daughter, good girlfriend, good friend, okay pet mom, absent neighbor, semi-decent employee, and (now) a shitty student. The weight was HEAV-Y. By the grace of god, or whatever you believe in, I was pulled into a situation at work that I should have stayed completely clear of (hindsight is a bitch). This was not a good experience and I felt nervous with a client for the first time ever. You might ask…how is this a good thing? Well, here it is. Because of this situation, my supervisor was able to share with me just how much I am not supported and how my safety is not a priority. Well, at least not a priority over an unmedicated, unhinged, aggressive client. The way I handled this situation was called “inappropriate.” Hmm…I guess I was supposed to let the client continue to call me names and threaten me. Yeh…Not gonna happen. And you put yourself in front of an exit, make me nervous and I’m supposed to think nothing of it. Let’s just say I learned A LOT about my supervisor that day. #lessonslearned

After my note was submitted, I was told I was in a “power struggle” with the “deteriorating” client. So some of you might not know me but a power struggle is something I will never be in. I have ZERO pride and can talk about ANYTHING. I am never struggling for power because I feel I know who I am at all times and do not need that to define me or make me feel like a winner because guess what?? I want you to win! I’m always rooting for the other person. I digress…

So I got to spend the weekend figuring out my game plan. How do I work for a place where I don’t feel safe/ How do I work for a “leader” who doesn’t support me? What a rotten mood I was in all weekend. Sorry friends and mom who got to spend time with that version of me.

Here’s the score: work-0, school-0, me-0. How awful. Things needed to change and now I KNOW it. I KNOW I need to quit my job, to start somewhere else. Then I’m in the same boat except now I have to be nice to everyone as the “new girl.” Ugh…exhausting. OH- did I mention, I have a practicum coming up which means not only work and school but now also a part-time job with no pay? HOW. THA. FUCK. IS. THAT. GONNA. WORK?! I started thinking of options: sell a car, take out a loan, refi my house, live off my credit cards (already maxed- boo).

Now, when I say I have the best mother in the entire world- I MEAN IT! This mother Theresa of a woman, who has seen me at my absolute worst, but my needs ahead of hers and saved me, once again. She made it possible to tell my fucked up workplace, “I regret to inform you…” and have the freedom to work on school without the stress of work too. JESUS! I cannot believe anyone cares for anyone that much! But she tells me daily how much she loves me, and yesterday…she supported me in a way I was not expecting and never thought was possible.

Today, I was able to pack my stuff up and walk the halls one last time, before turning in my badge and walking through those doors to a more peaceful existence. I am already feeling the stress melt away, and you know what?? I'm inspired again and I have peace of mind that I will have the time to dedicate to school and fix my grade. #1priority Also if I have time, I have some new opportunities to teach a few art classes and I just might…who knows? now that I have some time to think about it.

So I say it again… I guess I knew the day would come, but I never thought it would be today.