Things Change, Mox

What a wild past few months! I came into the 3rd quarter of last year pumped to excel and climb that cold, long corporate ladder! I had plans!

Then in November, I had to take some downtime away from work to address some medical issues. This time required me to rest and sit still- something I hadn’t done for a while due to hustling all the time. During this time, I realized…. I was exhausted. All this uppity, go, go, go! That mentality was exhausting! I always knew I was trying to make up for lost time, so I was forcing myself to move harder, and faster to try and recover all the time I wasted when I was fucking off and basically being my own worst enemy.

During this time, when I once thought I was progressing to reward myself, I had now come to the conclusion I had been punishing myself. Working so hard and never allowed myself an opportunity to enjoy the fruits of my labor because in some dark, dusty corner of my mind…I didn’t deserve to celebrate it. I felt like I should have been to that point in my life way earlier than I was and that in itself was worthy of negative self-talk.

If you know me, you know that I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason. This downtime to rest and re-coop was strategic…just not by me. During this time when I already realized I was exhausted and mentally spent, I realized the corporate “up” was not really what I wanted. For those keeping scores at home, I have been excelling, constantly upping myself for 11 years now and maybe longer; depending on what you counted as progress before the great sobering. I don’t want the rat race to the big cheese. I want the nice-sized piece of cheese to the side that not everyone is striving for. The cheese I want is just big enough to live an amazing life and has endless adventures! This piece of cheese is for the people that want to enjoy their life and not wait until they are retired to finally feel validated enough to take time off and see the world and do amazing things. Simply put, I don’t want to be a participant in a “race” anymore.

I’m freshly 45, y’all. And this last year has thrown some curve balls at me that I NEVER… in a million years… would have seen coming! And I am so fucking excited about the possibilities of it all! For the first time in my life, when I think of my future, I see someone else in it with me. I want to do great things but I want them to be 100% about my passion to help others. I want to smell the roses, take the naps, steal the hugs and kisses, laugh at life, and fall asleep each night feeling so full that if I died at that moment, it would be okay because I would be genuinely the happiest happy I could be- intentionally, and authentically happy. I’m starting to see what really matters in this life and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life working towards it while also maybe having the opportunity to help others figure it out also.

I have set a new goal for myself. Find a career where I can be just as passionate as creative. I have taken a step back into a position that allows for my attention to align with my passion and intention. I have a low-key future goal in mind that makes my heart swoon! I have a few tiny steps to take. While I’m taking these tiny steps, I will naturally be moving in the desired direction to continue achieving each goal, one by one. I have amazing supports from my mother and friends that help me celebrate the ideas and possibilities of “What ifs” as often as I care to discuss them. I also have a partner in crime that believes in me and expresses a desire to be by my side while also working towards the same overall goal.