A Successful Story of Sobriety (So Far): A Look Back at the Beginning Stages of the Journey. Inspire

I was cruising through my Facebook wall one day and ran across some Carl Jung quotes and they inspired me to blog about my upcoming (now passed) 6 year soberversary. "Why Carl Jung?" one might ask. My answer would be simple. I'm a #psychfangirl of sorts and I really liked that when faced with an opportunity to work with one of the greatest psychoanalyst of the time, Sigmund Freud, Jung decided, " No thank you. I kinda got my own thing going on over here." WHO. DOES. THAT??!!! I love it! Its like he knew he was destined for greatness doing what he was passionate about on his own. He believed in himself.

The Day I changed My Life

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” ~ Carl Jung

I want to share how I came to accepting myself completely. Accepting oneself is not necessarily “terrifying” if that’s the best option you have. That one day 6 years ago, I sat and reflected on my life, what I was doing in it, and where I wanted to be. And contrary to popular belief, My “rock bottom” didn’t look like a terrible situation to be in. I had just moved out of my parents place to live on my own and had a job. I had also worked on my credit and had signed up to return to school. I had a friend or two and my amazing mother by my side. See, the thing is, even though I looked “normal” on the outside, dealing with the same rat race everyone was dealing with, deep down inside, I was not myself.

From day one, I have been a spunky, confident person; I knew what I wanted and no one could stand in my way. As a young child, I (selfishly) read people to figure out what they wanted and needed out of another person; then I became that to avoid disappointment from them that would turn into disappointment for myself. I cannot have people disappointed in me- it is something I have been working to correct diligently, since I realized the harm it was causing.

Back to the story, so when everything was seemingly on the up and up, it wasn’t. I lacked confidence, and mental strength; I buckled quick and believed in nothing so I fell for everything. I was experiencing a lot of self-doubt and in a constant state of worry/panic and oh- the anxiety!!! Oh my!! Dismantling anxiety’s grip on myself was a huge war consisting of many, MANY tiny battles along the way.

In case you don’t know *eye roll* during nights of drinking, people tend to get dramatic and emotional (it happens) and it got to a point that when this happened, it caused me to immediately worry; worst case scenario status. Then if/when I made it home safe that night, the next morning, I would awake in an anxious state, frantically checking for my wallet, keys, and bank card-making sure everything made it home with me. Next comes the amazing feeling of having to check your text messages and calls, because you are not sure WHO you might have reached out to while drunk, SMH. This happened so often it turned into routine for me. Right on cue, this also happened the morning I decided “enough was enough.”

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” ~ Carl Jung

I woke up hungover, moving from throwing up in the bathroom to lying motionless in the bed or on the couch. While lying there, my mind was spinning fast! Internally I was assessing the disgraceful things I have done in the past, shameful ideas that I thought were “okay” at the time, and just how disappointed I was in myself. I NEEDED a change. Externally, drama was erupting all around me; a little “he said she said.” Drama led me to feel so guilty and owned. I felt like I wasn’t in control of myself and then I thought of how disappointed my mom must be in me. The vision entered in my mind of my mom being disappointed, and scared, crying over the idea of losing me and I lost it; I bursted into tears and started sobbing in my cold, dark condo all alone in the middle of the day. I didn’t know then, but this was a big turning point for me. I made a decision to let myself cry as long as I felt was necessary and then that was it. I needed to figure out a plan, make peace with all my current deficiencies at that time, and promise myself to always strive to be a better version of myself- if for no one else… I needed to be successful for my mom. She did not deserve making the monumental sacrifices she did so that I could have everything I ever wanted to lose me this way. That was the last time I allowed myself to feel helpless.

“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”~ Carl Jung

How I Made the Changes

I thought I was only getting rid of a bad habit- at least that’s all I had set out to do. It ended up being so much more than that. It was a beautiful transformation, somewhat like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. I made a decision that I needed to set myself up for success- give myself the best odds possible. I took into consideration my strengths and weaknesses and decided the best thing for me was to cut people and places out of my life that were unhealthy for my progress. Don’t think that ANY of this was easy for me. I LOVE socializing even though my anxiety was really close to taking that from me entirely. I loved being in a loud environment with my inhibitions melting away. I loved my friend that was always there with me; but it all had to go if I really wanted to give myself the best chance at success.

To start, I had to be very patient with myself. I do not like being told what I can or cannot do, especially when I am the one doing it. I made a deal with myself, “Let’s just try it. You are allowed to do whatever you want at any point; no one is telling you what to do. Your birthday is in 4 months; let’s make that our goal.” And that was that, the plan was hatched- now to figure out how to execute it. Interestingly, to be successful in this plan, I would have to do less than I was previously; I just needed to not drink. Easy, right? Then the time came where I needed to accept myself for the shit show I was, forgive myself for all the questionable decisions I had made, and make a promise to never be at that place again. I wanted to be in charge of my life; I really didn’t know what that felt like. I wanted life to be easier for myself; I have seen others with happy, easy lives…I just wanted that. After this point of accepting myself for who I was, humility was big. I made a pact with myself not to tell anyone I had quit drinking until I felt 100% certain I was not going to turn back to it. This took about 60 days. So I privately shared my 30 day and 60 day milestones alone. It was nice. I was becoming my own best friend. I started to love being alone. I started looking forward to hot showers, magazines, cheesy movies, and long nights of sleep. I was finally getting to know myself and was falling in love with the girl I was becoming.

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ~ Carl Jung

After sharing my 60 day success with people that would ask, I realized it was nice that they were interested enough to ask, but their opinions really didn’t matter to me as much as they used to. It was an amazing feeling. Throughout my process of re-building; transparency was a must. If people wanted to know, I would tell them what a mess I was- I had to. I am honest always, but throughout this point in my life, I had to be embarrassed to share details and share them anyways; it really helped with my personal growth.

The most ironic part of quitting drinking is that I struggled with the lack of social interaction, and not having any friend to talk to at the time a lot more than I struggled with the actual not drinking part. I want you to know that this was the way it was because, deep down, I was ready to quit. I understand this is not as easy for most people as it was for me and I would never want anyone to feel I was making their experience smaller than it was, but this wasn’t the first time I felt like this with something. When I was a little tyke, my mom told me that one day I gathered up all my bottles and threw them in the trash. She kept one out in the event I cried for it later on, which never happened; I was just over them.

I hit my birthday 4 months later and allowed myself to decide if I wanted to quit quitting or keep at it. It was a no-brainer, my whole life felt lighter and I felt free; so I decided I was a quitter for life. Honestly, nothing about drinking was romanticized at that point; alcohol had turned into that ex-boyfriend I ran into years later, finally realizing what a shit bag he was and how grateful I was for getting away from him.

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” ~ Carl Jung

Since that day, I have learned A LOT about myself and others. I have the strength, support and self-drive to achieve the goals I set for myself and I have learned to accept myself- deficiencies and all. I am not sure if there is such a thing as a perfect person, generally speaking, but luckily for me that is not what I strive for. I strive to be better than I was yesterday and to be healthy and happy. My Soberversary is no longer about the simple act of quitting a bad habit. It has now turned into a celebration of the day I decided to stop solving my problems with alcohol. The day I looked at my situation and asked, “Why are you settling?” The day I actively chose to replace a bad habit with healthier ones. The day I pronounced to myself, “I AM worth more and I deserve more.”

“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.” ~ Carl Jung