"Lets just see where this goes," I say to myself.
Life has felt heavy lately.
Since the last post I was able to clear up some financial woes and have been living a much simpler life without credit cards. That has been an adjustment but not nearly as rough as I initially thought it was going to be. That lil’ transition coupled with the never-ending existential “am I doing what I am supposed to be doing?” question has left me feeling underwhelmed in my life. This is probably the driving force of the complicated energy surrounding me at this time. Because, honestly…I am not sure; I guess none of us really ever are but, I feel very behind the eight ball on this one. I blame me “wasting” my twenties (easy thing to blame, as I blame that for everything I lack currently), my current employment position not being as fulfilling as I’d like it to be, and not having a clear path to where I want to be because, fuck…I don’t know where I want to be.
People talk about creating goals like it’s an easy thing. And some aspects are easier than others but I am finding it very challenging. First off:
I have all of this education and not a lick of experience.
Where can I find experience making what I make now?
I don’t even know what I want to do.
I hold a Master’s degree in Forensic Psychology. Sounds all super great CSI-ish, right? No…. That the wrong “forensics”. This position is more like forensic accounting; analyzing reports and financials deeper to find out the story they tell. Which I think sounds great, but after looking for a position to use this new found talent/skill/knowledge, I’m beginning to think it’s for a person who is already in the Psychological field and wants to possess a deeper knowledge of the assessment side of the business. So here I sit with this fantastic knowledge seeping out of my brain little by little because I cannot find a beneficial place to use it. “I’m smart. I can figure things out. I have logic. PLEASE HIRE ME! “ Is close to what I said at my last interview; practically begging them. Ugh.
On the opposite side of the desire to find a more suitable employer I am faced with the reality that I like my current position. I am comfortable here, I know everything I am responsible for, I know the players, and no one has any complaints (well no one that matters). But…..It’s just not fulfilling anymore. I feel terrible saying that… but it’s true. This place has been a very important factor and setting for my life; it means a lot to me. But it feels like my favorite pair of shoes that I am outgrowing. And you know how when your immune system is weakened, THAT’S when all the other little viruses attack, right? Well that’s how it feels at work. I’m a little stressy and idling, trying to come up with new projects that would be beneficial to the company, and all these lil catty issues come to light; none of them important enough individually to matter one iota, but all at the same time are like a small swarm of gnats- annoying and unnecessary.
Writing, or expressing myself in this way (typing, blogging, venting; whatever you want to call it) helps me release some pressure building. It allows me to “tell” someone my problems without telling a sole. Is it a coincidence that I haven’t blogged in a good minute and now I'm almost to my boiling point? I think not. Maybe this is a sign that I need to commit more to my blogs and use them as a form of self-care. I like that idea.
Currently, I am exhausted. My body doesn’t want to move and I have literally fell asleep in my chair 2 times today because I closed my eyes for a meditation moment and didn’t want to open them again. AT WORK. LOL! I strongly believe we all cycle. We have our ups and we have our downs, and in a pretty consistent manner too. Right now I am down. But don’t count me out yet as I do my best work in this position of my cycle. This is where I shine; I mean not while I’m sleeping at my desk :D but a few steps after that. When I’m in this void, I am able to look around and assess everything in my life. This is where I measure priorities and importance. This is also where I give myself time to breathe before hitting the on button again. My life was once full of expensive handbags and a new outfit every week; never wearing the same thing twice. But now, I find happiness in spending time with my animals and my mom (always), Finding a good, challenging hobby and right now that’s shooting guns, and volunteering as much as possible.
So while I am figuring out these stupid catty situations, new employment or not, and the whole no experience, and lots of education thing- I think my goals are going to be simple.
The only person I need to be better than is who I was yesterday, right? Isn’t that what they say? Maybe its this whole mentality that has kept me from enjoying my accomplishments and instead treat the finish line to one task like the start line to a new task to achieve. I agree we need to keep pressing forward, but why not chill out every now and again? Celebrate! I am great! Sometimes that is hard to beat.
So this was a lot of…stuff; no real rhyme or reason really. It all just kind of came out and it would be a disservice to delete it or structure it to fit the title (which I will come up with after I’m done compiling things I’m obviously concerned about that I didn’t really know I was concerned about). So I’m gonna keep it.