The only person's approval you need, is your own
How many people out there reading this need validation?
Needing validation is not necessarily a bad practice; we all want to feel like we are doing the right thing, headed the right direction, making the right choice. But it IS harmful to seek validation from the wrong people/person.
I know what it is like to be all consumed with something. If it wasn’t a boy in my life then it was unhealthy habits- I was always doing things for the wrong reason. Why? I am a relatively smart person. I came from a good family and was raised with common morals and values. Did being raised by my amazing and badass single mother contribute to this? Doubtful- but, maybe being raised without my biological father- or on the flip, having too many male influences…could that have done it?
The Preface:
I am a giver. In the past, if I meet someone and I like them, then I was hooked. I was their biggest supporter, best friend, and/or someone they relied upon. I gave my all and didn’t f*ck around. Before long, I heard their thoughts come out of my mouth, I felt the same as they do about certain things, I looked at things through their eyes and tried to see things from their point of view. I was empathetic to them. I had allowed to be consumed by them. “I” became “we”, “me” became “us” and so on. And I saw nothing wrong with this until….there was something wrong with it. I lived, in this rose-colored world of “ours”. I had become okay with being placed second behind friends, work, and hobbies. It was normal to be ignored and not taken seriously. I had accepted the responsibility to be a person that I would have never been before- and dare I say it… I was happy....
But was I really?
I say “one day” but I’m pretty sure it was a gradual conclusion that I came to in that late summer. I cannot even remember how it started but I eventually arrived at the idea that I was not happy. I was not okay being this version of myself. But how do I get out of it? Ok, better question…how do I get out of this situation without hurting the person I have loved for the past 6 years? Because I’ll tell ya what…. He was/is a great man. He put up with a LOT of my shit and we had built this life together. It wasn’t his fault (directly) that I was unhappy. I never wanted to hurt him, I NEVER wanted to be the cause of pain for him. If you have ever been in this situation, it is admirable to think of the other person before yourself and try to get out of something without too much destruction but in the end, it will come down to you or him or her (whatever you fancy). I loved him but decided I had to love myself more. If there was any time to be selfish, this was it- I had to make the hardest decision ever-
Do I stay or do I go?
I wrestled with it for a little bit- it wasn’t a light-hearted decision to make. This was going to disrupt both of our lives; was I okay with that? Who would I be without him? Can I go on knowing that I will be public Enemy #1 for the rest of his days, and probably his friends too (which at that time were also my friends)? I started observing him and his behaviors towards me. He was very comfortable with me- never woo’d me anymore, everything was a given and taken advantage of. I realized that over the past 6 years, while I was being consumed by him, I was reinforcing the idea of being subservient. He didn’t do this to me, I did this to me. Once I realized that I had a bigger hand in the problem than I initially thought, I was able to find an alternative possible solution to the problem. First, I was going to make him aware of my feelings and present him with ways to rectify this situation as equals. Being as all of this was a TOTAL shock to him and all he could see is the life, as he knew it, would be altered if the situation changed, he vowed to pay more attention and do his best to treat me as his equal. Now, this might sound rough but you have to understand, before that day, I was okay with everything. This was just all going to take a lot of effort and I am sure he wondered why all of a sudden I wasn’t happy as I showed no signs of it prior.
Things were great and anew for a little while then eventually ended up back to the old same routine. It wasn’t until 5 months later though, staring off of a surf break in the beautiful setting of Puerto Vallarta that I realized, I needed to make a change because I knew in my heart of hearts that I was not the girl I had become. I was starting to question the validation I required from him. Why did I need validation from anyone? I didn’t, but over the years I had convinced myself that I did. I was always “so and so’s girlfriend”; I never was my own person, as far as the people I hung out with were concerned. I was going to be in this life I had created (which I wasn’t too thrilled about at that time) forever unless I made some changes. Honestly, I didn’t even know who I was because I had never allowed myself a chance to get to know me. I was always following my friends, or doing what my parents said, or my boyfriend, etc. validation, validation, validation. It wasn’t fair to either of us really, for me to stay in this relationship knowing I was not happy; he would have been okay with it probably, but not me. When we got home, I ended it. The break-up was hard. I had to live with him for another 30 days before I could move out. In hindsight, this was not fair of me but I really had no choice. I had to grow a thick skin to handle what was happening in my life. He was pissed and didn’t know how to process his feelings so he took them out in me. He tried to convince me to stay. I felt a lot of feelings at this point but never once did I regret my decision. I had already taken the power away by deciding I didn’t need his approval anymore and the rest was a very long waiting game until I could move. Once I was on my own it was time to figure out who I was but first….
I had to get in some trouble.
Fast forward to 5 years later, after some experience with other boys, DWI’s and a move to Arizona under my belt, I was on the other side of trouble and this is where the real story begins.
The Rock Bottom:
By this time I had searched for love everywhere; bars mainly, and the internet. I wanted love. I loved feeling needed, and wanted. I met lots of undesirables while being wasted that today I can’t even remember (thank the good lord above). I remember this time being very sad. I cried a lot. I couldn’t understand why nobody was drawn to me; why no one loved me. There were times I felt I was being punished for causing pain in people lives and other times that I believed I was the most unattractive person on the planet; constantly comparing myself to people I did not find attractive that had a boyfriend or husband. “Look at her!” I’d say to my mom, “Why does SHE have someone but I can’t find anyone?”
I was desperate for someone.
During this time, I met the worst person ever! He was also running from his problems and we were magnets for each other. We both caused a lot of challenges in each other’s lives and he was an absolute wrecking ball to any positive feelings I had left in me. He tore me down and I’m pretty sure…he enjoyed every minute of it. I was broken. I let my guard down because I wanted something so bad that I allowed someone to creep into my psyche and destroy me. I wasn’t very strong to begin with as I was drunk all the time but I definitely was weak when that tornado left my life. Changes had to be made- BIG ONES. I allowed him to influence me in a negative way and I was a real shitbag to my mom- that relationship took some time to rebuild.
The Awakening-ish:
Making the decision to “clean up” my life, I thought I deserved someone. Like I had made a good decision and “god” or whomever I believe in, should reward me with someone. I continued to do the dating site thing and since being newly clear-minded, I was excited about the idea! I was hopeful that there was someone perfect for me also looking for a lifelong best friend and companion. I’ll spare you all the disappointing and ridiculous details but nope. He wasn’t there.
The REAL Awakening:
In the back of my head, I have always viewed myself with the man of my dreams. I also always felt it would happen when the time was right. Despite my previous thoughts and feelings, what happened next was life-changing. I decided to figure out who I was because I never really got around to that 11 years earlier like I thought I would. I found out how to be alone; how to be reliant on myself. I figured out how to take the loneliness out of being with myself. I am going to be with me forever so I needed to figure out what I liked and disliked. What sparked a reaction in me? What got me excited? What really made me mad?
I called myself to the carpet and made myself own up to all the bullshit I had been a part of. All the stuff that I was too stubborn or arrogant to say before, I had to say it!! And you know what? A funny thing happens when you make peace with yourself…you take the power away from everyone else. No one can tell me I was a drunk and hurt my own feelings because you know what? I was. I am not afraid to admit it now. I am not ashamed of it anymore. In fact, I’ll be the first person to tell you what a disaster area I was. Realizing I was at peace with being imperfect was so humbling. For the first time in my whole life, I did not need any validation from anyone. I was finally free of all of it. The only person and opinion that mattered was mine.
The Take-Away:
Once I look inward unto myself, naked and stripped of all justification, my view of myself and my life changed. Where once I was judgy of people, now I tried to be more compassionate and understanding. I once was jealous of others and what they had; now…I was happy for them. My eye were opened. Now, I smile more. I compliment people because frankly, it doesn’t happen often enough and it’s a nice thing to do. I am okay with myself. I LOVE me! I WANT to project positivity. My first response is no longer judgy, jealous or negative. I would love to share my story so others can see changing your life is possible.
No one likes to to take a deep, hard look at themselves and honestly analyse the good and the bad of your character. Most things you will find, are just bad habits that can easily be changed- the kicker is- you have to know they are there to change them. If I had any advice to give it would be:
Be introspective and figure yourself out- its worth the investment.
Give yourself grace while you are figuring everything out.
Be single for a couple years; find out who you really are without outside influence
When challenges arise, don't assume the worst of people (I am still figuring this one out)
Realize that people do what they want and (most of the time) it has nothing to do with you- don't make everything personal
Be kind- but remain smart. Kindness is not a sign of weakness- quite the opposite, if you ask me.
Train yourself to only be reliant of yourself- you MUST be able to do for yourself. If others want to help, that is okay, but know that you can do it alone if you ever need to and TRUST YOURSELF.
Do not speak bad of yourself; you are always listening
Step out of your comfort zone- see whats out there. Who knows?? You might find something you really like!
It is never to late to make changes
