I say....

I say I don’t want a relationship

I say I don’t want to deal with compromise

I say I’m better off alone

I realize I DO want something, someone. But I don’t want someone who will lie to me, cheat on me, not respect me, and not take me serious or make fun of me. THIS is how I see relationships at this point in my life. I meet men who have nothing nice to say about their S/O, who even go as far as to cheat on them. And the worst part? Not the cheating or lying but the fact that the women probably have no idea there is a problem to begin with that is serious enough that they are “straying” or looking for fulfillment in other places.

Maybe you are asking “why the truth bomb?” What’s the motive of this tell all post. Well, before I share that I want to clarify something. I AM very happy in my present life of “all about me”. And I don’t want some superficial status just for the sake of not being alone- that’s not me AT ALL. But I recently was contacted by someone from my past. He was nice and caring and it open the door to a quick, lovely flashback to a place where we spent time together in the past. In this place, my life was shit. I WAS SHIT. I was making my life so hard for myself trying to, I don’t even know! I was always tired, or hungover, or drunk trying to go to the places where everyone else went, to be one of the crowd to stand out by blending in. I left early in the morning and came home even earlier the next morning. I survived (barely) off of little sleep, redbud and Whataburger or Taco Bueno. I was always dehydrated and probably malnourished. During this amazing time I’m describing *rolls eyes*, this individual was present; not a lot and not for long but the nights I flashback to in a tornado like fashion where we were together, I feel warmth. I see me smiling and it looks genuine. I don’t remember being wasted, because of the single fact that I can remember it. I feel wild and protected, desired, and dangerous. But during this flashback as the surrounding view is distorted and blurry like how trees look outside a moving cars window, the area between him and I... stood still. This could be rose-colored memories but they feel real.

We had a time together. We were both surviving the best way we knew how- very differently, I might add and life took us in separate directions. The universe’s plan? I doubt it but I know I would not be who I am today if I didn’t go in my direction and him in his. This still couldn’t stop me from questioning “what if?” while catching up with him last night. And really.... What. If?

I have had this kind of specialness with a few amazing men in my life and when I was in a serious relationship, no one has ever cheated or lied- so my fears are not based on my past. People just do not seem happy in their relationships- or maybe it’s just me.

I do want something special with someone...someday. Someone who won’t take me for granted. Someone who will love my faults as much (if not more) than my attributes. Someone who finds comfort in me like I do them. Someone I can make time stand still with. I had it once, why not again.